I’ve got a headache again

Is anyone else… too aware of things? — not in the “oh I’m too wise for my own good sense”, we’re not doing that right now, I am way too hungry and sleepy to be considering myself intelligent here. Just, in general. Feelings-wise, sensation-wise.

Cause I cannot for the life of me figure out what has changed, but it seems that every breath I take (every step I take, I’ll be missing youuuuuuuu aaa — how do I even know this song — the lyrics are probably wrong ain’t they) is something I’m now aware of?? I don’t like it. It’s like reverse mindfulness, it bothers me. I like walking without my brain feeling the need to say “you’re walking right now, you’re walking, okay walk, keep walking” — you know when your brain does that?

It’s sort of like when you’re talking to someone else and halfway through a sentence you realize you’re talking. And your brain just goes like “Oh shit. We’re talking. Someone’s listening. Quick, forget what you were about to say, now, aaa!”. Few more frustrating things than your brain not being able to turn itself off and just enjoy things. Or like… live them, at least.

As I was re-watching Bo Burnham’s Inside (that’s a must-watch right there, do check it out), and during the consequent re-listenings of the album, I was thinking about derealization because of that one song that’s all about it. A song that I’ve once described, to my parents, as the “best song about derealization there is out there” — as if I

a) even understand the concept in its entirety

b) know any more songs specifically about that, out of the top of my head

I swear, the things I say sometimes.

But I’ve been thinking about it, and with all the craziness of Instagram and all shutting down for a day (which, by the way, could be a thing, every month, one day everything shuts off, think about it),

it’s like everything suddenly feels too real and not real at all, simultaneously.

Cause of what use would human thoughts be if they weren’t contradicting and happening at the same time, all the time, and also never? Exactly. Well.

All I know is that I’ve got a headache again.

Not right this second, but it lasted half the day and I’m way too young for these old-people symptoms of things. Cause I know it’s because of stress. And then I stress about the back pain or the headaches caused by the stress. And then it’s a cycle and I’m suddenly aware of that and now that’s stressing me out even more cause how do you get out of a cycle, you don’t and aaaa —

I say aaaa a lot. Maybe that’s just how I feel lately. Since all the highs have been super high (not that kind of highs, I mean the good moments in liiife), and then all the lows aggressively there, I just feel tired from existing. From sitting and thinking “I am sitting”, looking somewhere and thinking “I’m looking over there”, instead of, I dunno, functioning properly!!

Every day I try to do this weird juggle of being with people, taking time for myself cause self-care you guys, doing what I feel like doing and achieving a list of things I “gotta” do today. And yes the list is very often an actual list and yes color-coded to be less evil, but still!!

And I do all of that, or maybe I don’t cause what I feel like doing was not doing any of that, and regardless of what happened, regardless of how I feel, of what I’ve done the entire day, I get home and I search for one thing I didn’t manage to do. One thing. Sometimes multiple. I don’t actively do it, but at the end of each day I know what it is. I know what is is that I didn’t do.

So I proceed to ignore all that happened the other hours I’ve been a human out there, and I just feel bad for that one thing I didn’t do.

And that, y’all, that gets me. I said y’all and read it like a cowboyyy. And I read cowboy with the same accent, woww. — not all is bad, I’ve had a confusing but nice day. But I just wanna turn this maximum awareness button off. Please.

I sincerely hope you do not relate, but I’m not that naive of a person. Thanks for reading all of this :)) I’ll be better once the sun shows up, I promise.